Dear Aunt Flo,

I would appreciate it if you would quit stopping by, at least for about a year. You see, your visits are messy and painful both physically and mentally. I want a baby, and every time you come, it reminds me that I'm not going to get one anytime soon. You are unwelcome. Also, if you are going to insist on stopping by, please don't be late. This gets my hopes up, and I waste a lot of money on pregnancy tests because of it. For instance, you were due to stop by today, and you haven't yet. But I tested negative. If you haven't come by the 30th, I will be testing again. This does get costly, as you can imagine. Sure, I've been buying the $ store tests thus far this month, but as I have heard from someone that they could not get a positive reading on one for the life of them, I'm thinking about switching back again. I'm sorry if I'm being rude, but I don't think anyone else is as unwelcome as you are. You are the worst Aunt I have. And your 'gifts' are awful. I do not want your gifts. Please give them to someone who actually wants them! If you are going to insist on giving me a 'gift' you could stay away for 9 months, without getting my hopes up. I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you very much!

Your (Hopefully Soon) Distance "Niece,

Catherine

Dear Jesus,

I want a baby. I was going to have a baby several months ago, but you took my baby away. It has been 9 long months since you took my baby, and you haven't given me another one yet. Jesus, you got my hopes up a lot when you gave me a baby. Why are you teasing me? Why did you give me a baby just to take it away, and why won't you give it back? I am married. We both have jobs (which is more than a lot of people who I know are TTC can say). I may be young, but how many people have said they thought I was in my mid-20s (based on the way I act)? If you could please just give me my baby back, I'll be happy again. I won't feel sad all the time and be grumpy a lot. Please, just give me my baby. It would be much appreciated. (Oh, yea, and could you please to Aunt Flo to buzz of). Thank you very much.

Always yours,

Catherine

So, I didn't post yesterday...I'm not sure about the day before. I started work Monday--I get up at 4:30 a.m. to be to work at 6...and well, I'm tired.

So yesterday my husband and I drove all the way to Alamogordo (after I got off of work and cleaned the car pretty much by myself). My husband is trying to insist on trading our car in fora  sports car. He is insisting that we don't have children yet, so we shouldn't have two family cars. We just got the Vibe last year, and he wants to trade it in already. We thought the airconditioner had broken (but it just turned out my husband had turned it off without realizing it). So I doubt we will trade it in. He wants to trade it for a TWO door Pontiac G6 (hard top convertible). I love it, but we are in debt enough. Then he says after he gets that one he's going to trade it in for a Camaro...wtf!! He wants to trade a car in every year?? No, I am putting my foot down. I told him he gets to choose between his '70 ss nova, or his new camaro that will actually run. Or he can wait until we are out of debt, fix our credit, and we get a house...one or the other. You see, if you exclude our car payments, we are probably about 10,000 dollars in debt with our credit score in the 500's MAYBE. I checked it in like March, and mine was like 575...not the greatest. Last time we checked his it was like 525. I have 2-4 credit cards that are over the limit AND past due. Plus, I have medical bills from the miscarriage. He has loans and credit cards, some severely delinquent...some over the limit, I think. Plus we have the 2 loans one for each car. So you can imagine what we are doing to our credit right now. We make enough, that my paychecks can probably go towards bringing us up to date and getting us under the limit....then we can start monthly payments again, so we aren't drowning.  But noooo. He gives me hell all yesterday because he wants his camaro. not going to happen for now.

As I mentioned earlier, I didnt get a lot of sleep the past few days....I'm very tired. I got home around 11:30 last night just to get up again at 4:30. Yesterday for some reason my husband put BOTH sets of our focus keys along with his work keys in the Vibe, knowing that I am waking up that early and that I have to be to work at 6. I call him on my hour long lunch break (el paso is a big city and it is a minimum--in no traffic--20 minute commute.) He is bitching and calling me every name in the book telling me I better find his keys and bring them home to him or else he was going to file for divorce. OOOK. It is my fault that you put your keys in my car, and left them there. According to him, I hsould have KNOWN to look. Ummm...and I'm the one who gets scolded for not putting my keys up. So a friend and I had to drive all the way home to bring him his keys. Sure, he apologized, but it wasn't a good apology. Actually, he never said I'm sorry...he just said he was mad at himself---that's it....that isn't an apology.
So in my first week, I was late back from lunch. Yea, but as I mentioned in the title karma is a bitch. On his way to work, the carborator went out. So he had to wait for his dad and a co-worker to come get him...yea...karma is really a bitch, so be careful what you do....you might regret it.

Now as for TTC: Today I felt a tiny little pinching feeling on my right had side of my belly. I'm hoping it was implantation. I have also been gassy and moody and peeing a lot (seriously, I keep getting up in class). But the worst thing that I have is that my lower back is killing me (and my husband doesn't know how to give a massage). I am hoping for this month, but I hope every month, so what's new there.

Yes, that's right. I am an addict. I am what people refer to as a POASA--pee on a stick addict. Even before Dh and I were trying to get pregnant, I was an addict. Every month buying test after test, only to have it come up as negative (well all except for the ONE). Even when I was pregnant, I had to fight off the urge to test. I know, absolutely crazy. So I sit here, 2 days past ovulation, and I am fighting the urge to empty the money in my paypal account on pregnancy tests from ebay. I am only 2 DPO...any test I take will definitely come out as a big fat negative, yet I am fighting the urge to buy it. I cannot buy it, because I know if I buy it, I will take it as soon as it gets here!!!
Somehow, when I actually was pregnant, I managed to wait until I was 4 days late for my period. Now, I'm taking tests well before my period is due. I hate the 2WW--I want to test NOW
                                                                         
I guess this addiction started out the way most addictions do. I'd take one, oh, once a month; maybe once every couple of months. Then, it started getting worse. I would actually start panicking if I ran out of pregnancy tests!! Where are they? I have to take another one! I need it!!!! It was like a roller coaster. The high when you're taking the test. Then crashing down when it comes out negative (which it inevitably will). Except for the day I got my positive. I was giddy. I shouldn't have been. But I was. I took another 2 tests that same day--all of them the ept digital (expensive, I know) and each had the same result...I got that satisfying PREGNANT...there wasn't a NOT in front of it!! That was a true high.
But here I sit now...I want to test, but I have to resist this urge!!!

I will probably be an addict for the rest of my life...or until menopause. But we never know--I might just be an addict for the rest of my life...it's a weakness.